September is here, and so is NFL football—America’s third-favorite leisure activity, behind demanding that all your friends play pickleball and yelling at strangers on the internet.
Maybe you’re lucky enough to root for a football club that has a legitimate shot at the Super Bowl. Congratulations. May all your Sundays be smugly triumphant. May your nonrefundable hotel room for Feb. 12, 2023, in Glendale, Ariz., proved to be a savvy investment. May you not regret your brand new Lombardi trophy neck tattoo, which admittedly does look great.
Of course it’s also possible you root for a football club with zero shot at a Super Bowl. Your team has dysfunctional ownership, a frazzled coach and a quarterback who throws like he’s lobbing an old toaster oven into a pickup truck. Playoffs? You consider it a mild success when your team runs the football in the correct direction. By early November, you typically lose all interest in the NFL, and only watch sunsets and soothing videos of baby capybaras.
It could be worse. You could root for the DC football club, aka the Commanders, aka Dan Snyder’s Washington Sadness Machine.
Now it’s time to offer some predictions for the 2022 season. As always, you are encouraged to mock these predictions, but do not bet anything of value, as I promise they are at least 90% incorrect.
AFC East. The caterwauling you heard this summer were Patriots fans, already panicking that the wheels are spinning off the confident Bill Belichick / Grumpy Lobster Boat Captain era. Could the Pats stink? To quote New England haters everywhere: Oh, boo hoo hoo. This division is under the full control of the Josh Allen Bills, a wide pick to make the Super Bowl and extinguish the misery of those ’90s losses. The Dolphins, after apparently swinging and missing in an effort to give Tom Brady flippers, are trying to convince everyone that Tua Tagovailoa is their quarterback. Not even Tua Tagovailoa seems convinced! The Jets…are the Jets, what do you want from me? Pick: Bills.
AFC North. The Bengals went to last season’s Super Bowl, and might get even better, which is a remarkable thing to write about the Bengals. The Ravens should be improved after an injury-depleted 2021. The Steelers confront the post-Roethlisberger era with (check notes) Mitch Trubisky, Pitt rookie Kenny Pickett, and hopefully, a bag of magic crystals. The Browns…are the Browns, what do you want from me? Pick: Bengals.
AFC South. The Titans, the Jaguars, the Texans and the Colts…this is not a professional football division. This is a Jägermeister hangover. Pick: Titansby a mile.
AFC West. The shiniest NFL division now features quarterback Russell Wilson in Denver, Patrick Mahomes in Kansas City, and Justin Herbert with the Chargers. In the spirit of bringing cupcakes to every kid in class, I guess we should include Derek Carr of the Raiders. This feels like a KC revenge year. Mahomes is motivated after a disappointing end to 2021, and only a fool would pick the Chargers to take the division. Pick: Chargers.
There is Super Bowl buzz around Justin Herbert and the Los Angeles Chargers.
Photo:
Scott Taetsch/Getty Images
NFC East. The famously undeserving media attention hog of NFL football. Its best team is probably the Cowboys, who find inventive ways every season to not live up to Jerry Jones’s expectations. They might get some competition from the Jalen Hurts Eagles, who have a surprising amount of believers. The New York Giants hired a new coach to teach them how to play football. Fortunately for them, they share the division with the moribund Sadness Machine. Pick: Cowboys.
NFC North. Still belongs to the Green Bay Packers, due to the enduring talent of NorCal podcast contrarian Aaron Rodgers. The Vikings have a new coach and the same quarterback. The noisy Lions made a splash on “Hard Knocks,” but may have peaked on HBO. Bears fans are selling their televisions and taking up new weekend hobbies. Pick: Vikings.
NFC South. Tom Brady retired for 11 seconds this offseason and scrambled back to Tampa Bay, with new head coach Todd Bowles. The Saints lost their head coach, Sean Payton, replacing him with a long-time assistant, Dennis Allen. The Panthers got Baker Mayfield but who knows how that’s supposed to work. The Falcons…exist. Pick: Buccaneers.
NFC West. This division is led by the champion Los Angeles Rams, who love to promote their Rams Way and sound like a combination football team/TED talk. It’s also home to the San Francisco 49ers, who will start a new quarterback, Trey Lance, with a simmering Jimmy Garoppolo living over the garage. The Cardinals should do their usual trick of flying out of the gate early and sputtering to the finish. The Seahawks should thank the Mariners for being good this season. Pick: 49ers.
NFC Championship: Buccaneers vs. Cowboys
AFC Championship: Bills vs. Chiefs (wild card)
Super Bowl: Chiefs vs. Cowboys
Champions: Chiefs
Correct temperature to sear steak: 500.
A collection of flamingos is called: a flamboyance.
Capital of Idaho: Idaho City. No! Boise.
SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS
What is your Super Bowl pick for the 2022 season?
Write to Jason Gay at [email protected]
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