You know the feeling when something loses the excitement it once had, but you keep doing it out of some sense of obligation? You still respect the tradition, the history and hold out hope the spark will ignite again down the line?
Welcome to the 2022 Full-Sentence All-Stars.
Eligibility
A. The first and last name must form a complete sentence. Typically, that means the first name doubles as an imperative verb, or the last name doubles as a properly conjugated verb. Sometimes, like with Jets safety Will Parks, you get a guy who can do both.
B. Names are considered as written on the player’s official roster page.
C. The verb in question must appear in the Merriam-Webster dictionary and must be conjugated correctly.
D. Spelling must be accurate. No phonetic sentences. Apologies to Russell Wilson, Kyle Pitts and the Diggs brothers.
E. No acceptance of the colloquial dropping of the word “is.” Swift as D’Andre may be.
F. No added punctuation between the first and last name. “Ja’Marr, chase” and “Jaylen, waddle” need not apply.
G. Adding spaces to break one word into two is not allowed. CJ Beathard is not eligible. Hyphens, like Ricky Seals-Jones, do count.
H. Uncapitalizing a letter within a name is allowed.
I. Suffixes like Sr., Jr., II and III are not considered part of the would-be sentence.
Roster construction
1. Only players on active 53-man rosters are eligible. Better luck next year, Will Fuller.
2. Only one player per verb. No filling the roster with Mikes, Nicks and Joshes.
3. Players at each position are chosen based on the best football player with a full-sentence name, not the best sentence from a player who plays that position.
4. The roster must consist of 11 players on offense and defense with realistic personnel groupings, plus a kicker, punter, long snapper, head coach, offensive and defensive coordinator.
2021 Full-Sentence All-Stars
2020 Full-Sentence All-Stars
2019 Full-Sentence All-Stars
* = second-time honoree
** = third-time honoree
*** = fourth-time honoree
Quarterback
Josh Allen* — Bills
Verb: “to tease good-naturedly”
Once again, Allen is primed to make a run at being the second Full Sentence to win the league’s MVP award, joining kicker Mark Moseley, who did it in 1982 when people voted for laughs apparently.
Running back
Chase Edmonds* — Dolphins
Verb: “to follow regularly or persistently with the intention of attracting or alluring”
The continuity on offense this year is impressive, as only Edmonds is new among the skill-position players, although he was on the first iteration of the team in 2019. He’s been chasing a return ever since.
Wide receivers
Cooper Kupp**—Rams
Verb: “to work as a cooper on”
Kupp broke a long string of near misses in becoming the first Full-Sentence AP Offensive Player of the Year last season. Michael Thomas and Patrick Mahomes both missed out on account of not officially going by their shortened first names. Merriam-Webster has not yet accepted “cam” as a verb, although Cam Newton could qualify retroactively in the coming years. Drew Brees is the wrong tense. Marshall Faulk needs to drop an l. Warren Moon could use an s or a comma. Roger Craig doesn’t work, but “Roger, Craig” would. Same goes for Jerry Rice. And “OJ Simpson” might be colloquially accepted as a verb, but not in these hallowed halls.
Los Angeles Rams wide receiver Cooper Kupp. (Gary A. Vasquez/USA Today)
Mike Evans** — Buccaneers
Verb: “to supply with a microphone”
Where is it at? I got two turntables and a Mike Evans. God this is dumb.
Tee Higgins* — Bengals
Verb: “to place (a ball) on a tee, often used with up“
You’ll see the offensive line is not perfect when you get there, but man, this really would be the best offense in the league.
Tight end
Mark Andrews*—Ravens
Verb: “to make or leave a mark on”
Between Andrews and Rob Gronkowski, the tight end position has been in great hands for about a decade.
Left tackle
Jedrick Wills — Browns
Verb: “to change or cause by an act of will”
Interestingly (is it?), the AFC North leads the way with eight players on this year’s team, followed by five from the NFC West. The AFC West is the only division not represented. Tough luck for Divine Deablo and Rock Ya-Sin, both of whom made the team in the past but have been outclassed.
Left guard
Aaron Banks — 49ers
Verb: “to build a raised border of earth around : to raise a bank”
What is there to say about Aaron Banks that hasn’t already been said?
Center
Frank Ragnow** — Lions
Verb: “to mark (a piece of mail) with an official signature or sign indicating the right of the sender to free mailing”
Frank, I don’t want you to rag later. I want you to rag right this second.
Right guard
Ben Powers—Ravens
Verb: “to supply with power and especially motive power”
One of three first-timers on offense, Powers joins the likes of Kenneth Gainwell and Stone Forsythe among the league’s best examples of nominative determinism.
Right tackle
Jack Conklin*** — Browns
Verb: “informal : STEAL“
Captain Jack is the only four-time member of the Full-Sentence All-Stars.
Defensive ends
Nick Bosa* — 49ers
Verb: “to cut into or wound slightly”
Bosa actually lost his spot on the roster last year to Nick Chubb because the cupboard of Full-Sentence edge rushers is so stocked with the likes of Brian Burns and the Sweats (Josh and Montez). This year, Bosa is too good.
San Francisco 49ers defensive end Nick Bosa. (Steve Roberts/USA Today)
Brian Burns** — Panthers
Verb: “to record digital data or music on (an optical disk) using a laser”
With 25.5 sacks to Bosa’s 24.5 since they both entered the league in 2019, Burns has burned more opposing tackles than any other Full Sentence over the last three seasons.
Defensive tackles
DeForest Buckner** — Colts
Verb: “to clear (an area) of forests : to remove trees from (an area)”
The beneficiary of Rule H in the ABCA, Buckner returns after a one-year absence.
Al Woods* — Seahawks
Verb: “to cover with a growth of trees or plant with trees”
What a perfect defensive tackle combination. Buckner knocks them down and Woods brings them back up.
Linebacker
Jordyn Brooks* — Seahawks
Verb: “to stand for : TOLERATE“
Just like you read this article.
Cornerbacks
Sauce Gardner — Jets
Verb: “to dress with relish or seasoning”
The artist formerly known as Ahmad, Gardner is eligible thanks to Rule B. He’s the highest-drafted Full Sentence since Chase Young (ineligible this year because he’s on injured reserve).
Eric Stokes — Packers
Verb: “to poke or stir up (a fire, flames, etc.) : supply with fuel”
Please, keep him away from the defensive tackles.
Marcus Peters**—Ravens
Verb: “to diminish gradually and come to an end : GIVE OUT“
Like this article, Marcus.
Defensive back
Jalen Mills** — Patriots
Verb: “to give a raised rim or a ridged or corrugated edge to (a coin)”
Mills is opening the season as the Patriots’ top outside corner, but he can play anywhere in the secondary. This defense is going to be multiple, it’s going to be flexible and it’s going to be multiple.
Safeties
Jessie Bates* — Bengals
Verb: “to reduce the force or intensity of : RESTRAIN“
Bills offensive lineman Ryan Bates (once traded in exchange for Eli Harold) is a promising young prospect who would rightfully start over Powers at right guard were it not for the recently back-in-the-fold Jessie Bates.
Chuck Clark**—Ravens
Verb: “DISCARD”
Did I mention we’re going to be multiple? The problem is that the options at linebacker are really slim. You could go with Deablo or a special teamer like Duke Riley. You could play Bud Dupree and overload with pass rushers. One of the Sweats probably deserves to be on the field. But this is a passing league and we want to be multiple.
Kicker
Eddy Pineiro — Panthers
Verb: “to cause to move in an eddy”
Grateful to Pineiro, otherwise we would have had no choice but to give the job to Nick Folk and cut Bosa.
Punter
Pat O’Donnell** — Packers
Verb: “to strike lightly with a flat instrument”
He should start his own podcast and call it the PO’Dcast. Why are you still reading?
Long snapper
Rick Lovato** — Eagles
Verb: “to pile (something, such as hay) in ricks”
Lovato is once again the Full-Sentence long snapper.
Head coach
Bill Belichick*** — Patriots
Verb: “to enter in an accounting system : prepare a bill of (charges)”
There have been 13 head coaches in NFL history named Bill, including four of the most famous coaches of all time (Belichick, Walsh, Parcells and Cowher). But in a sign of the changing times, there are no Bills on a current active roster.
Offensive coordinator
Pep Hamilton* — Texans
Verb: “to inject pep into”
Too little too late, Pep.
Defensive coordinator
Dean Pees** — Falcons
Verb: “URINATE”
Dean Pees on the Full-Sentence All-Stars.
(Top photo: Rich Barnes / USA Today)
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